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  “Devlin.” The echo from my answering machine filled the room and I smiled at Branson’s voice. He had been my best friend since grade school. “Dev, I’ve called your cell a million times. Pick up the phone. I know you’re home. Listen, Jill’s in the hospital.”

  I was flying out of bed before he even said another word.

  “The baby keeps trying to come and it’s too early. They have her on medication trying to stop the labor, but I don’t know. When she wakes up, she’s sick. I’m freaking out. I need you.”

  The fear in his voice was evident and I felt it turn my blood cold. I loved Jill like a sister. Branson and Jill had been high school sweethearts and for a while, the three of us had been inseparable. That was, until I had made my money. We stopped hanging out so much after that, but we still had dinners on occasion. I missed them. Missed the friendship we all had. If I wanted to be truthful, what they shared had always put me off. I wanted something true like that. A love you were willing to die for; to protect against everything.

  The machine beeped, indicating he hung up, but I was already pulling clothes from my closet. Nothing fancy. Just jeans and a T-shirt. My shower took all of a few minutes. Just enough to wipe the smell of perfume and liquor from my body. They’d know anyway, but it was best not to outright remind them of how far I’d fallen.

  As I brushed my teeth, flashes of the night before almost had me gagging. Damn, I’d fucked Blondie in my car. Had her straddle me right in my driver’s seat after I’d made her suck my cock all the way to my parking garage. I probably shouldn’t have shaken her up so much. My thrown-up in, bad ass car. Another one I’d be selling the moment I got it detailed. When was I going to learn?

  Right now.

  But I’d said it before. A million times. And here I was, hung-over, after fucking a woman I wasn’t remotely interested in, again.

  The five o-clock shadow made the dark circles under my eyes appear even darker. I couldn’t even stand to look at myself anymore. I needed a change. A change in appearance. In attitude. In my whole lifestyle.

  Getting dressed blurred by and I barely recalled calling the cab. A fucking cab. When was the last time I took one of those? I couldn’t even remember. There were so many things I didn’t do that I used to. Like hiking, or mountain bike riding, or just going out and watching a movie. Even if it was by myself. When was the last time I’d been to the beach? I lived so close to the water and yet I couldn’t even remember how many months had gone by since I’d seen it.

  People on the sidewalk walked by, laughing, enjoying themselves. All I could do was stare as every minute brought me closer to the past I’d tried to distance myself from over the last few years. But Jill and Branson wouldn’t let me go. Maybe they saw the mess I was in. I’d lost everything the first year I’d made my money. If you considered a fiancée everything. I thought Rhayne had been the one. Our relationship started hot and heavy. It hadn’t taken long to see that she wanted to marry my bank account more than me. It tore me apart, but I made the hardest decision at the time, and ended it. She’d been the first submissive I collared. And the last. Not that one woman hadn’t tempted me to do it again. Damn, she’d been perfect, and also the start of my derailment. There still wasn’t a time I didn’t search for her in a crowd.

  The cab stopped at the entrance of the hospital. I paid and pulled out my phone as I shut the door behind me. I hit Branson’s number and he answered almost immediately.

  “I’m outside. How do I find you?”

  What sounded like a sigh of relief broke through. “I’ll be right down.” He hung up and I shoved the phone in my pocket. A couple walked by, the woman showing quite a bit with her own pregnant stomach. A protectiveness radiated from the man as he held his arm around her shoulder, but the happiness on his face as they laughed and walked through the double doors had my brow furrowing. What would it be like to know I was going to be a father? To have my child growing by the day? To find a woman I loved enough to take that step?

  “Can I hold him, daddy?”

  I turned from the main entrance to a blond gentleman walking his daughter past me. She had to have been only a few years old. I knew nothing about kids, but from her size, I figured she was four or five.

  “Yes, honey, you can hold him. You just have to be careful. Baby Andy is very small.”

  A squeal came from her tiny mouth and she tried clapping while still holding her father’s hand. I’d never felt so out of place. Yet…something stirred at seeing those small fingers curled around his. The way she stared up at him like he was everything in her world.

  “Shit,” I whispered, under my breath. Air suddenly felt hard to take in and I pulled at the collar of my shirt, even though it wasn’t touching my throat. Branson needed to hurry. I didn’t belong here. Didn’t deserve to be here. Marriage and children were the Holy Grail for the closeted man I wished to be. I just wasn’t there yet. Wasn’t sure if I’d ever be.

  More couples walked by and I tried to ignore their happiness, their closeness, as they held each other. It was impossible. I found myself walking to the grassy area off to the side. A man, not much younger than my thirty-five years, was letting a toddler run around. As he stood, bent over, talking, the little boy plopped down and struggled to get back to his feet causing the father to laugh.

  “Jason!” A woman rushed around me toward them. His head lifted and he picked up the boy, meeting her half way. For some reason, I felt myself stepping closer.

  “Well, what did they say?”

  Her nod brought a large smile to his face. “Six weeks along. Can you believe it? We never thought we’d have Michael, but another, too?” His arm pulled her in close, trapping her long, red hair under his forearm.

  I started walking backward, feeling like an ass for invading their beautiful moment. Weight pushed into the middle of my back and I spun around.

  “Jesus, buddy, you’re pale as a ghost. Long night?”

  Sweat was starting to cover my skin. What in the hell was wrong with me? Was I still drunk? I had to be.

  “How’s Jill? She okay?”

  Branson ran his fingers through his short blond hair, even though there wasn’t really much there now. The buzz cut made him look…older. Jesus. Was he starting to go bald? Were we getting that ancient? More panic set in.

  “They’re trying to stop the contractions. She’s only twenty-eight weeks.”

  “Twenty-eight. That sounds like a lot.” I shook my head, confused. How many weeks were in nine months? Or was it ten? Fuck, I couldn’t think right now.

  “Forty weeks total, Dev.” Another couple walked by and I scanned the area. “You look on the verge of running. You okay?”

  “What the hell is this place?” I asked, wiping the sweat from my forehead. Not all of the women looked ready to have a baby and one had found out she had conceived, yet they were here, at the hospital. The longer I looked around, the more confused I became.

  Branson laughed, taking in the people surrounding us. “There’s a clinic downstairs. Let’s get some coffee before we head back up. Jill’s pretty much in an induced coma. They want her out so her body will relax. I don’t think she’ll notice if I’m gone for five minutes.”

  “Oh my God.” We’d only gotten a few steps in, but I felt myself halt at his words. “Is she okay? A coma, that sounds serious. I think we should head up there now.”

  “Coffee,” he stressed. “We got here at eleven last night. I haven’t slept at all. I need something to keep me going. Plus, she comes to every now and then. She’s okay.”

  All I could do was nod as I followed him to the cafeteria. Coffee would do me good, too. I needed to get my head in the game. I was here to support Branson, not the other way around. The way he kept staring at me like a mother hen was what had kept me away before. The reality was something I hated to face.

  “How are you, man? It’s been a few weeks.”

  My hands cupped the Styrofoam and I kept my head down, refusing to meet his stare. “
I’m fine. A little stressed, but okay. I’m thinking about taking a vacation.”

  “You just got back from France a few months ago. Remember?”

  I wanted to groan. More whoring around on my part. Most of which I couldn’t remember because of all the booze. “Yeah.” I shook my head and laughed. “That’s right, I guess I did forget.”

  “Dev.” The seriousness that laced his tone had me looking up. “What’s really going on?”

  A small laugh fell from my lips and I slapped his shoulder. “Nothing new. Let’s hurry up and go check on Jill. I don’t want her to wake up and you be gone.”

  Worry lines etched his brow, but he nodded and we both finished our coffee in silence. All the while, I didn’t have to think to know the answer. It plagued my every waking thoughts and led me right back to the point that was destroying me. Her. Victoria.

  The elevator ride up took us to labor and delivery. More pregnant couples. More of that weird tugging at the core of who I was. My feet got heavier as we moved down the hall and I found myself stopping as we passed the nursery. So many babies. But these were tiny. Absolutely… My hand clenched at my side as my heart melted.

  “Hopefully a few more weeks and we’ll be looking in on Charity.” Branson reached up, placing his hands on the edge just outside of the window. “You ever think about becoming a father, Devlin? Settling down and finding someone?”

  If he only knew. “Lately, I guess.”

  “You should,” he said, looking over. “I think it would do you good. You know...” A smile stretched across his face. “The paper has a Bachelor’s edition coming up. We could put you in. Maybe you’ll find someone.”

  I couldn’t stop the laugh that exploded from my mouth. “I don’t think so.”

  “Come on. What could it hurt? You’d have your pick of women not only from the area, but around the world. Word will travel and maybe your one will appear.”

  My attention went back to the babies. I could be a good father. I knew it my bones. Once upon a time, I was a hell of a man. Now, I was as broken as the women I’d spent years in the past, healing. How had I lost that? Even the dominant in me had disappeared. My rules were nonexistent, even to myself. “Let me think about it. I have a lot of…shit I have to get together.” Like myself. Mentally. I was a God damn train wreck.

  “Do that. Then come talk to me.” He gestured with his head and I followed him toward the double doors that blocked off the maternity ward. My pulse was racing and I couldn’t stop it no matter how hard I tried. Is this what I wanted? A wife, kids? A real home? Happiness for not only me, but to be able to supply it to someone else? I didn’t even have to think about it. The answer was as clear as day. It was time to man-up.

  Chapter 2

  Victoria

  “Just one date. You never have to talk to me again if I’m wrong.”

  I laughed, shaking my head. “I told you, I’m not ready to meet a guy. I have so much going on already. Dating just doesn’t fit into my schedule right now.”

  Lorraine snorted, rolling her eyes. “That’s such bull. You have no time because you don’t allow it. You’re always here. By choice!” she exclaimed. “I know, I make the schedules, or did you forget that little part?”

  “Hey,” I rushed in. “Someone has to hold down the fort. I do that. Alone. By choice. Now, enough. Tell Daniel or whatever his name is that I’m flattered, but I’m busy. Maybe in a few months.”

  The glasses slid down her nose as her eyes expressed everything I knew she wanted to say. She stuck with one of her favorite words when I wasn’t complying with what she wanted. “Right.”

  The sarcastic tone was one I knew well. I breathed out heavily, knowing this was far from over. She pushed from the side of the elevator and beat me to the door as it opened. “It’s been years. I think it’s time you got out and—”

  “No,” I cut her off, not wanting to go there. “When I’m ready, you’ll know. I’m not. I’m sorry, but I just can’t.”

  This was not how I had wanted my lunch break to play out. If the nagging wasn’t enough, I’d already spilled coffee on my scrub top, stepped in a puddle trying to make my way across the street, and almost got hit by a cyclist hauling ass around the corner. I was ready to call it a day, damp sock and all. Seven hours to go until my shift was at an end and I couldn’t wait to just go home and relax.

  “Holy…” Lorraine abruptly stopped, causing me to step on the back of her shoe and plow right into the back of her. “Is that…” She didn’t elaborate as I looked over to the tall man staring through the nursery windows. I knew that build, that handsome profile. Though, I could never remember seeing him appear so solemn. It wasn’t like I ran into Devlin often. A few times here and there, but he never saw me. Our night together had changed me forever. I had ran, like I always do. My actions haunted me to this day. But not just from the fact that after I’d been brought to the four most mind-blowing orgasms of my life, I pulled his safeword and hauled ass. No…there was so much more that happened between us that night that I couldn’t face. Not now, and sure as hell not then.

  “Let’s go,” I whispered, heading to the door and pressing the code. I was shaking so badly by the time I made it to the back, I was sure I’d collapse at the adrenaline rush I’d been hit with.

  Tapping had me looking over my shoulder. Lorraine was leaned against the door frame, her foot making a slow and steady rhythm against the floor. “You should go talk to him.”

  “No. I called, remember. He never returned it. Let it rest. I have.”

  “Oh, honey. You waited weeks.” She walked over, turning me to face her. For going on sixty, you’d never know it. Until she pulled the mother card.

  Warmth encircled me as she pulled me into her arms, making me feel every inch of my five foot, two inch height. She was closer to six foot and didn’t mind using her build to show who the boss was when it came to irritated patients or staff. “Someday, you’ll see I was right. I always am, you know.” She laughed and I joined her, trying to hold in the tears.

  “I know you are. Just, not yet, okay?”

  She nodded. “Come on, let’s go relieve the girls.”

  I followed, not at all ready to face the man on the other side of the glass. As I walked past the opening that gave view, relief and a smidgen of disappointment hit hard. He was gone. No doubt, back to his life of luxury and beautiful women. What had even brought him here at all left me puzzled, but I pushed it away. Just like the time I almost approached him at a café only to see a leggy brunette walk over and wrap her arms around him. We’d been so close. Just five feet away when I turned and walked out. I had blocked that out, too. Until now.

  The wounds reopened and I felt it in every inch of my body. It’d take a few more weeks to dull the pain, but each time grew easier. Lighter. Or, so I told myself.

  “Lunch time, girls.” Lorraine’s voice carried over strongly, but the tone was one we’d all grown to love. Well, most of us. Definitely not all. Rita finished changing the diaper on one of the infants and didn’t say a word as she strode past. The history between those two was rocky. Rita had been here almost just as long as Lorraine and didn’t mind letting everyone know she should have been the one in charge. The drama was something I kept far away from. I liked both women, but I had a soft spot for Lorraine. She was the only one I included in my personal life. All of it. Others knew a lot about me, but not my secrets. My boss, who was also my best friend, was the only one I trusted with that.

  As I began making rounds, I stopped at Baby Thompson. A smile came to my face while I peeked in. His bright blue eyes stared up and he went back to looking around. He was one of the most content babies I’d come across in my five years here. I washed my hands before walking back over and stroking my finger down his cheek.

  “Your parents are so lucky. They’re in for a surprise with you.”

  His face turned in the direction of my touch and his mouth opened while he began shaking his head back and forth.

&nb
sp; “Are you hungry? I can help you with that.” I reached down, grabbing one of the sample bottles he was meant to be fed with. As I opened the package for the sterilized nipple and twisted it together, I glanced up toward the windows, the edge of nervousness still there. An older couple walked by, probably the parents of one of the patients, but I couldn’t stop the fear. Would he be back? Was he just visiting someone and stopped to glance in on his way out?

  My lips pressed together, trying to force the questions away. Devlin needed to disappear from my mind again. I’d been doing so well.

  “Come here, sweetie.” I lifted the swaddled baby and held him close as I began the feeding. Lorraine walked in, a smile coming to her face. She stopped at Baby Pena, picking up the little girl who was beginning to become fussy. “I know you’re going to get upset, but it appears you’re already there, so I’m just going to say it. I really think you should go out with Daniel. One night. That’s it.”

  “You don’t give up,” I laughed, shaking my head. “The last time I took your advice and went on a date with someone you set up, we both know what happened.”

  “But this guy is a lawyer, Victoria. The good kind. He’s a few months divorced and is heartbroken over the fact. Wife just ran off and left him for another man. It’ll be good for you both. He has two little boys. He’s a single father. Sweet as can be. You’d love him.”

  “You’re guilting me.”

  She smiled, batting her eyelashes. “Is it working?”

  I hated that it was, but I couldn’t deny that I wasn’t intrigued. He sounded like a good guy. Not one that was going to cuff me to his bed and do deliciously wicked things to my body to the point where I’d be screaming his name and begging him to fuck me.

  “Fine. One date. And don’t even tell him it’s a date. More like an introduction to being friends. That’s all. Maybe a movie or dinner at a diner or something. No expensive restaurants or walks on the beach. Got it?”

  “I’ll tell him tonight at the club.”